Choices

I feel like Graves has made some decisions for me and I don't like it. I don't like anyone or anything telling me what to do. I cannot go back to work right now. There is no way, unless I want to feel like I'm dying of a heart attack/anxiety attack every second of every day. If I was 100%, I would totally go back. I love my kids and I love the school I work at. Having both makes you appreciate the other more.

I feel like the choice to try for a 3rd biological child was taken from me. I mean, I'm in the midst of the chaos and worst of it now, so maybe my thinking is skewed, but this is how I feel. Taking my meds while pregnant can cause birth defects. Not taking my meds could lead to miscarriages. Having another child could take me right back to the beginning of this crappy journey all over again. Having another child would mean seeing specialists throughout the pregnancy. And then, I think of adopting. What if we can't adopt because I can't get into remission. What if I can't get `normal'. I am so happy with my 2 boys and Gary BUT I would like to make the choice out of health and not because I can't do it. Does that even make sense?

I've been having major chest pains for about a 6 days now (I really can't keep track of anything). It started out at about 1 hour per day. I would say it was about 6 hours straight yesterday. I'm waiting for another symptom before I do something about it. The pain did migrate to my left shoulder but then went back to my heart. It has gone down to my legs a bit and then went back to my heart. I'm 99% sure it's the coronary arteries spasming but seriously, for so long? To feel like you are going to have a heart attack in 5 minutes, all day long, is not fun. I am able to act normal so you would have no idea. Gary knows. Poor guy, I hope he doesn't get sick of hearing all about it for....forever. Last night I prayed that I would wake up in the morning. I feel the need to write letters to my kids in case something happens. I keep Gary very updated on my symptoms in case something happens, he can tell `them' where I'm at. This is ridiculous. This is not what life is supposed to be like.

I went to the employment office today to see about the possibility of a short term disability coverage. I said that I am able to work (photography...or I have the ability to do some desk work or something) but not teach, which is my job. I am not eligible because I am able to work. That's fine. Whatever. Sucks. I'm nervous about living on one income. We have never done it. Good thing I'm so thrifty/cheap...whatever you want to call it.

Every morning I wake up and open my eyes and say a quick little `God, please don't let my eyes bulge out' and I touch my eyelids and make sure they feel okay before I take a look. So far, they look okay. Often red and very tired, but I can still see and they still look normal. I guess I should see an opthamologist?

Well, I'm looking forward to Wednesday (naturopath) and Thursday (doctor). I've ordered my book, `Graves Disease; A practical guide' and look forward to reading it. Even though I'm a biology major, I know the bare minimum on the thyroid and there is still a TON of info to learn.

Finally, I am so incredibly thankful that I was diagnosed in just 1 week with hyperthyroidism and 2.5 months for Graves. Seriously, people often struggle with it for YEARS before being diagnosed. People often have other diagnoses first like brain tumours etc. So thankful I know what I'm dealing with......